If You Feel Like You DON'T FIT IN...

I used to have Reddit.

Reddit is sort of seen as “cringe” and weird - and honestly bro, it is. I was on the side of Reddit with all the anime, dank memes, neckbeard kinda guys. The weird side of the internet.

So how the fuck did I get here?

Well the problem is, I never fit in.

From the day that I was born, I was different. I was born in the UK, to a Russian-Estonian mom and a South Indian dad. Weird combination, right? We lived in a small village in the Midlands, so this was definitely not common.

I remember one day, when I was about 5 years old, I was on the swings in the playground. My mom was pushing me, and I asked her “Mama, why is my name Yvan? Why didn’t you give me a name like everyone else in my class? Like Andy? Or Tom? Or Jake? Why is my name so weird?”

Despite the classic response of “we’re all special and unique in our own way”, it just wasn’t enough. I always felt slightly left out, but I so desperately wanted to fit in.

This desire stayed with me throughout most of my life.

At 8 years old, I complained to my parents that everyone else in my class got packed lunches, whilst I had to eat the school dinners.

At 9, everyone else went on holidays to the beach, whilst we had to visit my grandparents in Estonia.

At 10, everyone else was playing football, so I became obsessed too.

I had this constant nagging anxiety that I was weird. That I was different to everyone else. I tried everything I could to fit in, but I still never felt like I did.

By the time I had reached high school, it got even worse.

No matter where I went, I felt like I could never find “my people”. My true friend circle. So I tried to overcompensate. Everywhere I went I did anything I could to conform.

But nothing worked.

I was too “nerdy” for all the other athletes. I was too “normie” for all the nerds.

I was too brown for the white guys. I was too white for the brown guys.

It was tough. I wasn’t happy with just being me. And this was the big problem - I didn’t feel secure with my own identity. I hated it. I did everything I could to escape it.

This took me into a dark place. I hated just being myself. I fixated on all my flaws, all the things I couldn’t control.

I tried to force myself into a mould so that maybe someone would finally like me.

And it never worked.

The reason you don’t feel like you fit in? It’s because you don’t.

And you’re not meant to.

You’re trying to mould and shape yourself so that you fit in with some group. You’re forcing it. It’s like trying to shove a square peg through a round hole.

The worst thing you could do is what I did. It’s to follow the crowd. To try and become like everyone else.

Often, the reason you desperately try to conform to others is because you see yourself as “not good enough”. You think you’re weird, you’re somehow worse than everyone else, so you have to try and make up for it.

But the problem is, this just makes the whole thing worse. You become, desperate and needy for friends, for relationships - and this is the worst thing you could be.

It’s a paradox - the way to get friends is to be happy without them. The way to get a girl is to be happy single. This is the truth.

Because confidence and authenticity are two of the most important things you can possibly have to attract people. And they go hand in hand.

When you do the shit I tried to do, when you pretend or force yourself to like things or do things just to make other people like you, it has the opposite effect. You aren’t being authentic. In essence, you’re lying.

And other people can sense that.

Especially girls, who’ve naturally evolved to have better emotional intelligence, but also with guys too - other people can see even the smallest micro-expression on your face, even if it flashed across your face for as little as 17 milliseconds.

So when they see that expression, they know that you’re hiding something - that you’re not telling the truth. They don’t know what it is - all they know is that they likely can’t trust you.

Have you ever felt like the other person is acting really cold towards you? They are all closed off and only seem to want to talk to you when they have to? Like if they have to ask you where the next lesson is, or if they can borrow a pen - but never actually connect?

This is why.

When you are authentic, when you live true to yourself, then people can trust you more. They naturally like you more.

And you like yourself more.

This is how you develop confidence. When you are completely true to yourself, you can have no regrets. If someone likes you, then great - they actually like you for who you truly are, and not that shitty red-pill pick up line you saw on YouTube shorts.

But if they don’t like you, if you get rejected when you are being true to yourself - then even better. It means you weren’t compatible anyway.

Now you’ve probably heard this advice before - “jUsT bE yOuRsElF bRo” - but it obviously hasn’t worked yet.

That’s the difference - you aren’t actually being yourself.

You are being this fake version of yourself that you present to the world, because you are scared and insecure of what other people will think if you show who you really are.

So, there are two methods we can take to resolve this:

1. Break down the limiting and insecure beliefs that prevent you from being yourself

2. Making yourself better so that you actually become proud and want to show people who you really are.

Do them both.

Something I’ve found that has absolutely changed my life is to define my values. Get out a page, and journal. Think. Really mull over this, and find 6-8 words that define your dream future self.

BUT - not the external things. Don’t write “attractive, rich” - or we’d all write the same things. This isn’t “law of attraction” BS.

Define the traits and characteristics that you want to embody, and that you can picture yourself embodying.

Here are mine:

So you know when some sort of situation occurs in your life, and you’re not really sure how to act - what do you do? You look around, you look at the other people you are with, you look to see what the “cool guys” are doing, and you copy what you think they would do.

No. From now on, if you’re ever in a situation like that, you’re going to refer back to your list of values, and try and act in reference to them.

“What would someone who is confident/leader/stoic/uplifting/focussed/optimistic do?”

Slowly, as time goes on and you do this more and more, these values will become ingrained in you - until they truly are just who you are.

This is how you build a self you can be proud of, and can show to the world.

Hope this gave you something to think about.

Until next time,

Yvan

P.S.

I go through this process in a lot more detail in my FREE Ultimate Beginner’s Self-Improvement Blueprint - so if you want to really make a change, I strongly suggest to go check that out (if you haven’t already).

There, I give you no BS step-by-step guides on how to reprogram your mind for success, as well as other things such as:

• How to plot your Roadmap to Success

• How to craft your perfect vision of your future

• How to actually create good habits that last forever

• How to start working out and optimising your health

• How to break all your addictions that are holding you back

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